Jada Pinkett Smith.Photo:Amy Sussman/Getty
Amy Sussman/Getty
WhenJada Pinkett Smithturned 40, she hit a bottom and “wanted to be on this earth less and less.”
She knows how it looked from the outside, as she says, “the beautiful family, the superstar husband,“Will Smith, “the lavish lifestyle.” But, Smith says, she’d “put on a brave face for two decades.” She was battling severe depression.
Inher new bookWorthy, Smith, 52, tells her journey not just from the streets of Baltimore to the heights of Hollywood, but of her struggles.
She writes of surviving parents with substance abuse issues, succeeding in entertainment and, most importantly, finding herself worth not just all the hard work but the love of herself.
Her journey to “reclamation,” as she puts it, began when hitting a mental health bottom, a chance encounter in her kitchen, and getting help from a surprising source.
Read on for an excerpt from her book, out Oct. 17, which describes the start of her journey out of darkness.
I’ve pulled off the curving mountain road onto what turns out to be the top of a steep driveway leading down to the house of the Medicine Woman — whom I just met on the phone only a couple of weeks earlier. I’m sitting and staring down the driveway, between a thick overhang of foliage, on a beautiful clear night that should feel magical but instead feels full of dread.
The scariest aspect of those incidents was that whether I lived or died was in someone else’s hands. And that lack of control may explain how I’m feeling here, in my car at the top of this driveway, as I try to get my bearings. I want to be grateful for this moment, for this opportunity, but a feeling of helplessness floods me.
All I can think to do is pray with all my heart, as sincerely as possible. My hands press together. I try desperately to steady my mind.
Don’t be afraid, I tell myself.You are in peaceful, beautiful Ojai. Why are you so scared? Because, I answer right back,what if THIS actually kills me?
Three months earlier, in the wake of my fortieth birthday, my biggest worry wasWell, what if it DOESN’T?
For two decades, I had been putting on a good face, going with the flow, telling everyone I was okay. Yet underneath, bouts of depression and overwhelming hopelessness had smoldered until they turned into raging hellfire in my broken heart. Unwelcome feelings — of not deserving love — made it harder to understand the disconnect between the so-called perfect life I had achieved and the well of loss I carried with me. Therapy helped up to a point. It got me to forty! But to what end?
Jada Pinkett Smith.Axelle/Bauer-Griffin/FilmMagic
Axelle/Bauer-Griffin/FilmMagic
I would later be diagnosed and informed that I suffer from complex trauma with PTSD and dissociation, but without this guidepost, I was a chronic mess with no fix, no possibility to heal. Every morning, waking up was like walking the plank of doom — could I make it to four p.m.? If I could, I had survived the day. I always wanted to sleep, but I never slept well. My children could put a smile on my face and were my only motivation to keep me going, but more and more, I could feel myself losing my grip of connection to them.
“On paper,” it all looked grand — I had the beautiful family, the superstar husband, the lavish lifestyle, fame and fortune. I had my own career, the freedom and support to pursue creative outlets. The sweetest part was my kids — Jaden, Willow, and my bonus son, Trey — my three favorite people in the world. They were, hands down, the best thing that ever happened to me. Yet none of that prevented me from hitting the wall I was speeding toward at a hundred miles per hour, knowing full well —this s—’s gonna blow!
Trey Smith, Willow Smith, Jaden Smith, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.Amy Sussman/WireImage
Amy Sussman/WireImage
I had sought help everywhere you can imagine — from Goddess gatherings, silent yoga retreats, backpacking alone, studying every religion you can think of, you name it. I even went to Cuba and met with a Padrino (that was intense). None of it offered a lasting solution. Adding to my distress, Will and I weren’t in a good place and hadn’t been for a while. I couldn’t make it right no matter how hard I tried. We couldn’t hear or see each other — at all. Confiding in my close friends seemed unfair to them and to Will and me.
If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.
source: people.com
