Utah is one of the most conservative states in the country, and more than 60 percent of the population there identifies as Mormon, a faith that firmly believes acting on same-sex attraction is a sin.
“I was very, very devout in the church,” Katelyn Handy, 20, tells PEOPLE. “I ended up having a crush on someone, and it wasn’t a guy. That kind of shocked me to my core.”
Katelyn’s mom, Jen Handy, was supportive, but admits she worried: “I’ve known about the suicide rates that can exist from people who come out and don’t have support of a family or community or feel like they’re all alone with. The numbers are really high.”
In Utah, in fact, suicide is the number one cause of death among ages 10 to 17, and LGBTQ youth are especially at risk. While the state only recently began collecting data on sexual orientation, a2019 survey foundthat 48 percent of gay and lesbian youth and 53 percent of bisexual youth said they’d seriously considered suicide in the last year, compared to 15 percent of heterosexual youth.
Jen Marco and Katelyn Handy.courtesy Marco-Handy Family
So how are kids and their families there finding ways to thrive? Below, four families who have found support throughEncircle, a network of homes that support LGBTQ youth and their families, share their stories.
For more on Encircle and other top stories, listen below toour daily podcast PEOPLE Every Day.
Katelyn Handy, 20, and her mom, Jen Marco (pictured above)
Katelyn:I started falling away from the church — just not believing in it as much — at the same time I was figuring out that I was gay. The first person I told was my mom. We were having a conversation, and she said, “You know, if one of you guys ever came out as gay, it wouldn’t be a big deal.” For context, my parents are divorced and my mom is not LDS [The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints]. So I was like, I guess this is it. I was like, “Mom, I have something to tell you.” I was so scared, even though she had just said that it would be fine. It’s still terrifying to say those words: “I think I like girls.”
Jen:My first thought was, I want her to still be here. I didn’t think that she would be suicidal per se, but I could imagine that it was possible. Then the next thought was hoping that she could find a community she would be able to relate with, that there would be safety and acceptance from within the family.
Katelyn:My dad and my stepmom are still LDS, and at first it was really hard for them. They weren’t necessarily unaccepting — it was just different. But about six months after I came out to them, my stepmom was asking me all these questions about the community, and I told her about different identities and pronouns. And she was so welcoming. And I remember my dad getting excited to tell me about a book because the book’s main character was a nonbinary character and had they/them pronouns. It just warmed my heart.
Jen:In LDS there are a lot of milestones that you always look to achieve. As a teenage girl, a lot of the focus is about future home and family. Being able to focus on love and self-discovery and expression and connection [with] community — that was a shift. … Katelyn has taught me a lot. [Now I’m in a community of moms and] we’re all sort of working through, How do we redefine the things that we thought that we all knew? We’re looking at things and going, What is true forme? What do I believe is true formyfamily?
Katelyn:I think the two most important things you can do for someone who is queer or questioning is to listen to them and love them unconditionally. That’s all that we really want. We just want someone to hear us and someone to love us. The best thing parents can do is just allow your kid to be who they are. It is so much harder to accept yourself when you are in a place where you have to pretend to be someone else. And if you’re like me and realized you’re queer in high school, or even earlier than that, I just want to let you know that there is a community for you, that you’re not alone. I know it hurts. I know it sucks. I know how hard it can be to be in a situation where you’re not loved, where you’re not supported and accepted. But I do promise that chosen family is real. I could’ve never imagined five years ago that this is where I would be. I am happy. I’m healthy. And I am engaged to a wonderful person that I love with my entire heart.
For more on Encircle’s loving community andfounder Stephenie Larsen, pick up the latest issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday, or subscribehere.
Melissa Harper, 15, and her parents Karmel and Jamie Harper
Karmel, Melissa and Jamie Harper.Courtesy Harper Family
Karmel:Melissa came out to us two years ago, and I have to smile because that moment was a moment of joy for us. A year prior, she was in an outpatient recovery center for suicide ideation. The evening she came out, she had just come back from therapy and she actually had a really bright shining light in her face and she just said, “I finally found a way to learn how to love myself.” Any moment after that was just music to my ears.
Melissa:Something that I’ve struggled with for so long is just figuring out who I was, and what to label myself as. So just finally putting a name on it — it was very it was very, very relieving.
Karmel:Then we realized, Okay, Melissa is learning who she is; she’s owning it and she’s embracing it. As parents, Jamie and I really wanted to do what we could to first of all learn more about the LGBTQ community, and support her — to empower her and make her feel safe at home as well as help her make friends.
Melissa:My experience in Utah — I haven’t faced full-on homophobia; people don’t really say it out loud. It’s more condescending. I have a friend whose mother became very, very wary of me. But I have already surrounded myself with a really supportive friend group and I also have a really good family to top it off. So, it’s just something that I have to learn to deal with.
Karmel:The unique thing about Utah in a way is that, because there is such a culture of homophobia, a very conservative culture, there is the counter culture: Encircle and all these other organizations exist because there is such a greater need for safe spaces. I have seen such an outpouring of love and support every time I would post about pride or post about Melissa.
Jamie:There was a ton of learning that we really had to go through, but I’m just extremely grateful for Melissa opening our eyes, to all of this. You’re trying to love and accept people — that breaks down all of those [cultural] barriers. Love and acceptance, let’s start there, right?
Encircle’s Provo, Utah location.Starbucks
Melissa:The advice I would give to people is listen and educate yourself. Open your minds up to the idea that you’re probably very ignorant and that you have said or done something homophobic. Homophobia isn’t just outward hate; it’s about being ignorant and not understanding that how someone loves is not any different — it’s just love. It’s how someone was born.
Jamie:And look to open others' minds to a different perspective. Say, “Hey, you might want to know this.” I remember [when I was first asked], “What are your pronouns?” I was like, “What do you mean?” I was so clueless. There’s a real obligation to open your mind and to learn and understand how oftentimes, completely unintentionally, you can sometimes make someone feel marginalized.
Ash Cleverley, 15, and their parents Laura and Aaron Cleverley
Aaron, Laura, Ash and India Cleverely.Courtesy Cleverely Family
Laura:Salt Lake feels like a big city and we really do have a good LGBTQ population. The further out you are, the harder to get people to understand. I wouldn’t say that the people are mean or judgmental, but there definitely is just, I think an uneducation about it. And so Ash, you’ve struggled a little bit with making friends, right?
Ash:It’s not necessarily that people are judging me and don’t like me because I’m trans. It’s that they don’t know how to approach me and they don’t understand. And I think that’s why I’ve struggled so much with meeting new people and finding friends. At Encircle, the community there is incredible. The first question people ask is your name and pronouns. So you know that you’re in a safe place.
Laura:When Ash came out, Aaron was out of town. He was on a work trip and Ash left me a letter on the counter.
Ash:I had written multiple letters. It took me probably a month, I’d say, to find the right letter and find the courage to leave it out for my mom.
Laura:I came down and read this letter. And I bawled. It’s funny, because when Ash’s 18-year-old sister India [came out] as a lesbian, that didn’t scare me at all, but the coming out as trans scared me.
Laura:You have this idea of kind of what your kids are going to be when they’re an adult. And I think that’s one thing that we’ve really learned over this whole process: These kids are not here to be mini versions of us. I think that’s where a lot of parents struggle — they want their kids to dress a certain way, or have the exact same beliefs that they have. And I think India and Ash have challenged that. We’ve actually learned more from them about allowing them to be themselves and be who they are authentically. [My advice would be] to ask questions about your child’s identity and who they are. Make your kid feel validated, like you want to get to know more about them. I think questions have always been great. A lot of times parents are nervous to talk about gender and sexuality, but create that open space that kids can trust.
Gavin Wassom, 15, and his parents Brandi and Ryan Wassom
Gavin Wassom (in red pants) with his family, including dad Ryan and mom Brandi (top right).Ryan wassom photography
Gavin:[When I came out at 13] I didn’t know how my family would handle it. But it had been a really hard day. So I went and started talking to my parents. I was like, “I feel like I’m a danger to myself, I don’t feel safe with myself right now.” And the conversation just led to, “I think that I’m gay.” It was a huge relief… right away they were so helpful and accepting and it made it 200 times easier than I thought it would have been.
Brandi:It wasn’t a huge surprise. It actually was a huge relief for us too. And it was, I mean, you could feel it was tangibly different in the moment. There were tears, and then it was like, let’s go, let’s do this.
Ryan:Soon after Gavin had come out, he decided, “I think I’m in a good place. I can go to church.” And he went to church that day and came home and said that wasn’t a good idea.
Gavin:It was one of the only times I’ve ever had a lesson on gay marriage — they never exactly said it was wrong, but they pointed to the idea that that’s not what God intended for you. After I went home, I just was kind of like, “I don’t know if I can do that again.”
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Ryan:Probably a week or so after Gavin came out, I left the [Mormon] church. There were many reasons why — and in the end things in my mind just couldn’t be reconciled with things in Mormonism that are taught about LGBTQ individuals. As a family, we have taught our children to be loving and accepting of all people races, all genders, all sexual orientations. That’s what they’re getting from home, but when Gavin came out to his younger siblings —[chokes up and stops]
Gavin:Do you want me to share?
Ryan:Yeah.
Gavin:The night I came out to my siblings, one my little brothers whispered to my parents, “Is Gavin going to be in heaven with us?” I didn’t know what to say about it because that’s what we’d all been taught all of our lives [at church].
Ryan:We took that opportunity to again teach our kids that if there’s a life after this, we’re going to be together regardless of what some dogma teaches.
Brandy:And if that is how it is, then we don’t want to go to that heaven. We’ll be in the heaven where we can be together.
Ryan:Being raised Mormon, I was living under this constant fear of, I can’t screw up, because that means that I might not be able to go to heaven.
Brandi:You learn to have different ears — to hear things and see things in a different, deeper, more meaningful way. Because before that, sometimes I wouldn’t hear what would hurt him. And after that, oh my gosh, what am I doing? We had to have our own shift and changing of hearts, because we were raised in Mormonism and where a lot of thinking is done for you. I’m grateful every day that I am where I’m at now.
Ryan:Where we’re at now is not necessarily religious, but we do encourage spirituality with our children — to find a centering for themselves, whether that be a connection to a higher power, whether it be a connection to self, whether it be connection to earth or the universe. But Mormonism is a difficult area. We managed to make a clean break.
Gavin:[My advice to LGBTQ kids is] take it at your own pace — figure it out, however fast you want, however slow you want. You need to take time for yourself if you’re the one coming out.
Ryan:And for parents, I would say, explain, “Hey, we’ve never done this with the child of our own and we’re going to make mistakes. But ultimately understand that the foundation that we are setting is that we 100 percent love except and support who you are.” Just know that is the foundation.
Interviews have been edited and condensed.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go tosuicidepreventionlifeline.org.
source: people.com
